September 6, 2010
By Bryan Connolly

All parents fear that their children will grow up and become punk wasteoids. But what if it happens before they reach ten years of age?! These youngsters show that bad attitudes and brutal hairdos aren’t just for the puberty stricken. It makes perfect sense ‘cause who knows safety pins better than an infant? Here are a few lil’ buddies to ponder:

BACK TO THE BEACH — A large, middle aged, spiky-haired punk offers to babysit tykes on the beach for 75 cents an hour. Without the parents’ permission, the guy gives the baby a full punk makeover. Wait, you can’t do that. You really can’t. Not cool. Don’t.

HAWK JONES — The villains hire the ultimate hitman to take out our titular hero in this shot-on-video action film starring only children. When their exterminator arrives via private jet they’re pleased to see a little bruiser who goes by the name The Destroyer. He sports multi-colored spiked hair and large sunglasses. This kid is the kewwwwwllest!

HEROIC FIGHT — Two things are true: We all die and kids love love love McDonalds. This Hong Kong zanefest proves it in the scene where a carload of well-dressed kids pull up to the golden arches, blasting the song “Material Girl.” A Hawaiian shirt-clad junior punk with a blue/grey mohawk wants to join in the burger blast and pulls up a chair. He asks a girl for her name. She tells him its Madonna! He introduces himself as Handsome. The kids laugh at him until he leaves in shame.

Tags: Back to the Beach, Hawk Jones, Heroic Fight, Punk babies